Wrong deed!!

One day a boy asked God, "Is it wrong to sleep with a girl before marriage?"


God replied, "No it is not, but the problem is that you guys don't sleep.."

The order's placed.

A store manager heard his salesman tell a customer, "No ma'am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."


Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll be having some soon. We placed an order last week."


Then the manager drew the salesman aside.
"Never," he snarled, "Never say we're out of anything - say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now what it she wanted?"
"Rain" said the salesman.

Married??

The owner of a bakery was closing shop on a stormy winter night when a man came to ask for two sweet rolls.
"Are you married?" he asked.
"Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?" replied the customer.

You don't get promoted!!

A judge gazed at a drunk in a line-up and commented:: "You've been popping up before me in this court regularly for over twenty years."


The drunk answered, "Can I help it if you don't get promoted?"

Relatives!!

A pastor called the Municipal health Department to request that a dead mule be removed from the front office of the church.
The young clerk, who answered the phone, thought he would be smart.
"I thought you clergymen took care of the dead." he remarked.


"We do", answered the witty pastor,"but first we get in touch with their relatives."

Definition!!

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Like a man!!

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are kings in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you?

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

You can't complain!!

Patient: "Doctor, I've got trouble with my throat."
Doctor: "Go in the other room and disrobe. I'll be there in a minute."
Patient: "But, Doctor, It's just my throat!"
Doctor: "Go and disrobe, I need to examine you."


So the man went in and disrobed. As he was sitting there in his shorts, he looked around. Next to him was another guy, also sitting in his shorts, with a big parcel in his hands.


Patient: "Can you imagine that doctor! I've got trouble with my throat and he tells me to disrobe!"
The other man: "What are you complaining about! I came in here only to deliver this parcel!"

Half price!!

At an airline ticket counter, a small boy, with his mother, told the agent that he was two years old.
The man looked at his suspiciously and asked, "Do you know what happens to little boys who lie?"


"Yes," said the little boy, "they get to fly at half price."

I didn't see that!!

A woman called in a repairman to mend her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely suspicious."


There was no time to run out of the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console.
The husband came in and plopped down on his favourite chair to watch some football.
Inside the TV the repairman was all squinched up getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it any more. He climbed out, marched across the room and out of the front door.


The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?" 

All alike!!

A few days after his daughter announced her engagement, the father questioned, "Does this fellow have any money?"


"Oh, you men are all alike, "the girl replied. "That's what he asked about you."

Fairy tale!!

"Mommy," the little girl asked, "do all fairy tales begin with. "Once upon a time?"


"No dear, "She replied. "Sometimes they start with, "Darling, I'll be working a little late at office tonight". 

Not your neighbours!!

A very agitated young man barged into a family Planning Clinic and spoke to the doctor :: "You performed that vasectomy operation on me, but my wife is pregnant again. You obviously don't know your job."


The doctor said, " Calm down. It is you I operated on, not your neighbours."

Got you!!

A frowning woman walked up to a little boy she caught smoking.


"Does your mother know you smoke?" she demanded.


"Lady" he countered," Does your husband know you stop and talk to strangers in the street??"

Eat em down!!

A man selling vacuum cleaners appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and  without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet.


He said," If this new magic cleaner doesn't pick up every bit of dirt, I'll eat it."


The woman who by this time was losing her patience, said "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that cleaner; I would have paid my electricity bills before they cut it off. Now what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

DARK & LOVELY AT CLUB AMBASSADOR

A woman's job!!

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

After sending the applicants through background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"