Joke - The Super Fast Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing", the man responds, "this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy 5000, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."

Joke - Who's Turn?

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."

The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

Joke - Johnny Goes Shopping

Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.


The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."


Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and said, "And this isn't a real plane."

Joke - Strawberries And Fertilizers

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Joke - The Watermelon Farmer

A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.

After some thought, he made a sign that said, "Warning! One of these watermelons has been injected with Poison!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read:

NOW THERE ARE TWO!

Joke - CEO And The Mafia.

Q : What's the difference between an Insurance Company CEO and the Mafia Don?

A : The Insurance Company CEO can tell you how many people might die this year. The Mafia Don can tell you their Names.

Joke - Capital Issues

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N", she answered.

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