A Sardar was down on his luck. In order to raise some money, he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
He then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put 2 lakhs in cash in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Sardar."
The Sardar then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Sardar checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
He opened the bag and found the exact amount of money as demanded with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardar?"
15.5.10
Joke - Sardar's Divorce Plans
A Sardar and his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge asked: How will you divide?
You have 3 children.
Sardar replied: OK! We will apply next year
Judge asked: How will you divide?
You have 3 children.
Sardar replied: OK! We will apply next year
How To Keep A Woman Happy?
THE POINT SYSTEM
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
1.SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
IF It's her pet (-50)
2.SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
College buddy Named Rita (-25)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)
3.HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-5000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)
4.A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-4)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
5.THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, 'Where?' (-35)
Any other response (-20)
6.COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying a concerned xpression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-1500)
Now what chance do you have???
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
1.SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
IF It's her pet (-50)
2.SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
College buddy Named Rita (-25)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)
3.HER BIRTHDAY
You forget her birthday (-5000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)
4.A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-4)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
5.THE 'BIG' QUESTION
She asks, 'Do I look fat?' (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, 'Where?' (-35)
Any other response (-20)
6.COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying a concerned xpression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-1500)
Now what chance do you have???
10 Truths Of Life - Funny
1. If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is gone.
2. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
3. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
4. If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.
5. If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
6. You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
7. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
8. After a long wait for bus, two buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
9. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight
10. Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go towards the non-smoker.
2. Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
3. When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
4. If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.
5. If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.
6. You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
7. The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
8. After a long wait for bus, two buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other.
9. If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight
10. Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go towards the non-smoker.
Joke - Tit For Tat
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them
at Funerals!
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them
at Funerals!
Joke - Very Fast.
There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!”
There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
Joke - Right Or Left?
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...
Totally exhausted and panting.
Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand...
Totally exhausted and panting.
Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic,
I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."
14.5.10
Joke - Old Enough
Two Brothers aged 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing.
So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. When their mother asks them what they want to have, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.
She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"
He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ASS it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. When their mother asks them what they want to have, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs.
She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?"
He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ASS it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."
Joke - Work Station
A bus station
is where a bus stops.
A train station
is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
is where a bus stops.
A train station
is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...
Joke - Like Her!
A serious drunk walked into a bar and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
9.5.10
Joke - Economy
An Englishman left on a long trip across the country, taking a train the entire length of the line. At each station along the way, he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. He chose to not buy a ticket to his final destination, but just one to take him to the next stop on the line.
After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, “Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You’d save 25%.”
The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, “My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don’t plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!”
After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, “Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You’d save 25%.”
The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, “My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don’t plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!”
10 Ways to annoy people at a public library
1. Read your book upside down.
2. Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.
3. Ask for the time every 2 minutes.
4. Read out very loudly and very slowly.
5. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
6. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a beeping noise.
7. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
8. Do multiple sneezes, at full volume.
9. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that negative and no mean the same thing?”
10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
2. Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.
3. Ask for the time every 2 minutes.
4. Read out very loudly and very slowly.
5. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
6. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a beeping noise.
7. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
8. Do multiple sneezes, at full volume.
9. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that negative and no mean the same thing?”
10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
Golden Rules of Dieting
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
Ways to diagnose drinking problem!
20 Ways to tell if you have a drinking problem or not!!
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Job interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
6. When you can focus better with one eye closed
7. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
9. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
10. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
11. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
12. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
13. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
14. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
15. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
16. You drink to get over a hangover.
17. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
18. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
19. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.
20. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Job interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
6. When you can focus better with one eye closed
7. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
9. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
10. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
11. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
12. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
13. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
14. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
15. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
16. You drink to get over a hangover.
17. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
18. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
19. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.
20. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
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