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18.6.10
More Funny Quotes & Sayings
Joke - Waiting To Get Out
17.6.10
Joke - He Is Moving!
The first guy says,'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'
The second guy says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful human being and a great teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of our children.'
The last guy replies, 'I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
Joke - Naming Them
CHERYL COLE OFF TO TANZANIA
Derek Hough is said to have surprised Cheryl Cole by whisking her off to Tanzania for a dream romantic holiday.
The dancer, who has been linked to the X Factor judge in recent months, only told her they were going to Tanzania in Africa when they arrived at the airport.
However the pair did not put on any show of affection at London's Heathrow on Tuesday night and instead walked determinedly apart.
Flight for this love: Cheryl Cole pictured at Heathrow Airport on Tuesday night with Derek Hough before boarding a flight with him for a romantic break in Tanzania
Cheryl then hugged her assistant goodbye before boarding a flight with Dancing With The Stars professional Derek.
Their cosy trip together will do nothing to dampen speculation of a blossoming romance.
Since her split from her errant England and Chelsea footballer husband earlier this year, Derek, 25, has been a rock for 26-year-old Cheryl.
Dream holiday: The pair walked determinedly apart as they stalked through departures
Playing it cool: Cheryl wore faded jeans and a denim jacket teamed with Louboutin heels while Dancing With The Stars professional Derek also played it casual
He performed a sultry ballroom dance with her in her video Parachute and did the same dance with her on stage as she supported the Black Eyed Peas on the European leg of their tour.
What's more, Hough's stepfather has revealed that Derek is head over heels for Cheryl.
Speaking from his Los Angeles home, Aaron Nelson, 54, told the Daily Mirror: 'They are going somewhere very exotic, very picturesque and it will be a nice break for them.
Saying farewell: Cheryl hugs her assistant goodbye before going through security
'It will be one of those dream romantic holidays that you take when you are just starting out on a relationship. Derek is totally in love with the girl and wants to spend as much time as he can with her.'
Hough is said to have picked the east African country after Cheryl told him she fell in love with the country following her Comic Relief climb up Mount Kilimanjaro last year.
The pair took the 10-hour flight and will spend a short break together before Cheryl returns to Britain for more X Factor auditions next week.
Cheryl dressed in casual faded jeans and a denim jacket, teamed with Louboutin heels as she stalked her way through the airport, while Hough also dressed down in jeans, a T-shirt and trainers.
A source added: '[The holiday] was a complete surprise to Cheryl and she couldn't believe he had gone to so much trouble organising it.
'Head over heels': The pair pictured earlier this month in Paris where they performed on stage together to her song Parachute while the X Factor judge supported the Black Eyed Peas on tour
'She was told to take her passport and all would be revealed at the airport.'
Meanwhile it has emerged that chat show host Piers Morgan has reportedly signed up Cheryl for a new tell-all interview.
Morgan, 45, who is rumoured to be taking over from Larry King on CNN, has been overheard telling pals that he has signed up the X Factor judge for his new series of Piers Morgan's Life Stories.
According to Closer magazine, he was overheard saying to a friend: 'It'll be warts and all - Ashley [Cole] should be very worried!'
Celebrities such as Sharon Osbourne, Katie Price, Vinnie Jones, Boris Becker and Joan Collins have all previously spilled the beans about their lives on the show.
Idyllic: Cheryl and Derek might find themselves on a stunning beach like this one (file picture of a palm beach in Zanzibar, Tanzania)
16.6.10
Hilarious "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies
2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain replaced so that I may be promoted to management
4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, emails you send me until I return from vacation on 12/08. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'
7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
FINALLY, THE BEST OF THEM ALL:
10: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'...
Joke - Keeping them Out!
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Joke - Days To Live
"Doc," said the man, "could you please call my wife and give her those instructions?"
When the fellow got home, his wife rushed to him. "I spoke to your doctor," she wailed. "Poor man, you've got only thirty days to live."