ad

18.6.10

More Funny Quotes & Sayings


Humorous Quotes and funny sayings. 


1. By all means, Marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

2. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson



3. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.  - A. Whitney Brown


4. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse

5. I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein


6. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. - Samuel Goldwyn

7. I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde.


8. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. - Mark Twain

9. I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk! - Homer J. Simpson

10. Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. - Mark Twain


Joke - Waiting To Get Out

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When did you shay the bar opens at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait to get in, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"


17.6.10

Joke - He Is Moving!

"Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? 


The first guy says,'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'


The second guy says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful human being and a great teacher who made a huge difference in the lives of our children.' 


The last guy replies, 'I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

Joke - Naming Them

"One day, a teacher, a doctor and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.


St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, 'What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.' The teacher answered quickly, 'That would be the Titanic.' St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter then turned to the doctor and decided to make the question a little harder, 'How many people died on the ship?' Fortunately the doctor had just seen the movie and answered, 'About 1,500.' 'That's right! You may enter.'

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them"

CHERYL COLE OFF TO TANZANIA

Derek Hough is said to have surprised Cheryl Cole by whisking her off to Tanzania for a dream romantic holiday.

The dancer, who has been linked to the X Factor judge in recent months, only told her they were going to Tanzania in Africa when they arrived at the airport.

However the pair did not put on any show of affection at London's Heathrow on Tuesday night and instead walked determinedly apart.

Cheryl Cole

Flight for this love: Cheryl Cole pictured at Heathrow Airport on Tuesday night with Derek Hough before boarding a flight with him for a romantic break in Tanzania

Cheryl then hugged her assistant goodbye before boarding a flight with Dancing With The Stars professional Derek.

Their cosy trip together will do nothing to dampen speculation of a blossoming romance.

Since her split from her errant England and Chelsea footballer husband earlier this year, Derek, 25, has been a rock for 26-year-old Cheryl.

Cheryl Cole

Dream holiday: The pair walked determinedly apart as they stalked through departures

Cheryl Cole
Derek Hough

Playing it cool: Cheryl wore faded jeans and a denim jacket teamed with Louboutin heels while Dancing With The Stars professional Derek also played it casual

He performed a sultry ballroom dance with her in her video Parachute and did the same dance with her on stage as she supported the Black Eyed Peas on the European leg of their tour.

What's more, Hough's stepfather has revealed that Derek is head over heels for Cheryl.

Speaking from his Los Angeles home, Aaron Nelson, 54, told the Daily Mirror: 'They are going somewhere very exotic, very picturesque and it will be a nice break for them.

Cheryl Cole

Saying farewell: Cheryl hugs her assistant goodbye before going through security

'It will be one of those dream romantic holidays that you take when you are just starting out on a relationship. Derek is totally in love with the girl and wants to spend as much time as he can with her.'

Hough is said to have picked the east African country after Cheryl told him she fell in love with the country following her Comic Relief climb up Mount Kilimanjaro last year.

The pair took the 10-hour flight and will spend a short break together before Cheryl returns to Britain for more X Factor auditions next week.

Cheryl dressed in casual faded jeans and a denim jacket, teamed with Louboutin heels as she stalked her way through the airport, while Hough also dressed down in jeans, a T-shirt and trainers.

A source added: '[The holiday] was a complete surprise to Cheryl and she couldn't believe he had gone to so much trouble organising it.

Chery Cole

'Head over heels': The pair pictured earlier this month in Paris where they performed on stage together to her song Parachute while the X Factor judge supported the Black Eyed Peas on tour

'She was told to take her passport and all would be revealed at the airport.'

Meanwhile it has emerged that chat show host Piers Morgan has reportedly signed up Cheryl for a new tell-all interview.

Morgan, 45, who is rumoured to be taking over from Larry King on CNN, has been overheard telling pals that he has signed up the X Factor judge for his new series of Piers Morgan's Life Stories.

According to Closer magazine, he was overheard saying to a friend: 'It'll be warts and all - Ashley [Cole] should be very worried!'

Celebrities such as Sharon Osbourne, Katie Price, Vinnie Jones, Boris Becker and Joan Collins have all previously spilled the beans about their lives on the show.

Tanzania

Idyllic: Cheryl and Derek might find themselves on a stunning beach like this one (file picture of a palm beach in Zanzibar, Tanzania)



16.6.10

Hilarious "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain replaced so that I may be promoted to management

4: I will be unable to delete all the unread, emails you send me until I return from vacation on 12/08. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

7: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

FINALLY, THE BEST OF THEM ALL:

10: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'...


Joke - Keeping them Out!

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

 
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. 

Joke - Days To Live

"You," said the doctor to the patient, "are in terrible shape. You've got to do something about it. First, tell your wife to cook more nutritious meals. Stop working like a dog. Also inform your wife you're going to make a budget, and she has to stick to it. Tell her to keep the kids off your back so you can relax. Unless there are some changes like that in your life, you'll probably be dead in a month."


"Doc," said the man, "could you please call my wife and give her those instructions?"


When the fellow got home, his wife rushed to him. "I spoke to your doctor," she wailed. "Poor man, you've got only thirty days to live."



pages listed by date