Storm brewing...........

There's a dark cloud building around 

 Prince Andrew.

HRH QE2 favourite son.

Another scandal about to be exposed,

 re his dodgy business dealings.

On the bright side.

Fergie will be there to comfort him,

 in more ways than one.

Closer than ever in 2014.

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A Hard Egg - Hilarious Joke

Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."

Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.

"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

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Lip Service - Hilarious Snake Joke

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite and poison them?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

Letter From Father-In-Law - Funny Joke

A woman had 3 girls. One day she decides to test her sons-in-law. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lake shore, purposely falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in and saves her.

The next morning, he finds a brand new Toyota car in his driveway with this message on the windshield.

"Thank you!

Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in-law. He jumps in the water and saves her also. She offers him a new Honda car with the same message on the windshield.

Thank you!

Your mother-in-law who loves you!

A few days later, she does the same thing again with the third son-in-law. While she is drowning, the son-in-law looks at her without moving an inch and thinks:

"Finaly! It's about time that this old witch dies!

The next morning, he receives a brand new Ferrari car with this message…

THANK YOU!

Your father-in-law.

At The Zoo - Funny Animal Joke

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water.

But Mom", "Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?"

The Blonde And Her Pizza - Funny Joke

A blonde orders a pizza and the clerk asks if he should cut it in six or 12 pieces.

She responds, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces."

The Blonde's Execution - Funny Joke

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

The Slipping Lion - Funny Joke

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped. I happened to see a house not far away, so I made toward it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"Had I been in your place, I would have wet my pants", said Mark.

"Well, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE LION KEPT SLIPPING ON?"

Lost And Found - Hilarious Jokes

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. 

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. 

Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

Tear Gas

Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?

A: Tear gas.

Nuts And Dates - Hilarious Jokes

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

Sandwich Tales - Funny Joke

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "I have no idea why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

Ants And The Jam Jar - Funny Joke

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?

A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

The Missed Delivery - Funny Joke

A woman came storming in at the delivery counter of the local post office.

She gave a parcel Pick-up notice and complained, "This morning, your mailman came with our parcel for delivery and left us this pick-up note. Yet my husband was home all the time. Why could not he knock our doors and deliver parcel at home?"

The Post master was polite and apologetic. He went inside brought the parcel and delivered it to the lady.

"Ma'am what is inside this parcel that upsets you so much?"

The lady replied, "My husband's hearing aids."

Trial And Error - Funny Joke

After four years of separation, a man and his wife finally divorced amicably.

He wanted to date again, but he had no idea of how to start, so he decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.

After reading through all the listings, he circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but he put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on his answering machine from his ex-wife:

"I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don`t call the one in the second column. It`s me."

A Woman's Love - Funny Joke

When one woman loves you, you are a husband

When a few women love you, you are a man

When many women love you, you are a lover

When hundreds of women love you, you are an idol

When thousands of women love you, you are a leader

But,

When all the women in the world love you, you are a DIAMOND

Been Soup - Funny Joke

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

Bunny Farts - Silly Joke

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots??? 

A: Bunny farts!

Winning A Bet - Funny Joke

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Ant And The Toilet Seat - Funny Joke

Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?

A. Because he was pissed off!