1. The Boss is always right.
2. If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.
3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
4. Ph.D. stands for "Pull Him Down". The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.
5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
6. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you are going to do.
8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
9. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
10. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
11. Following the rules will not get the job done.
12. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
13. Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous".
14. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
15. You can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work you are supposed to be doing.
16. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.
17. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
18. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
19.5.10
17.5.10
Golden Rules About Girls!
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that
2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are commited.
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Even if you got her out alone... Just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.
Corollary to rule 9: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. Have a bad hair day
2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "99% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 1% would always be in your company."
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are commited.
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Even if you got her out alone... Just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.
Corollary to rule 9: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
10. The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when-
1. You are dressed badly
2. Have a bad hair day
Joke - Spelling Mistake.
Two men were walking home after a late night party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear they move on. Soon they notice an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They mis-spelled my name!"
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear they move on. Soon they notice an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They mis-spelled my name!"
Discoveries and Inventions by Men and Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented KITTY PARTIES.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented KITTY PARTIES.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Joke - Same Order.
A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu, "I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked that it's runny, and one so over cooked that it's tough and hard to eat.
"I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you had brought me yesterday!"
"I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you had brought me yesterday!"
Joke - Keeping A Secret
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "Can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
16.5.10
Joke - Greatest Explanation
Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave without any notice.
When he returned his PL asked for explanation.
The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly".
The PL let it go at That. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his Father died.
Then the PL got changed.
After 3 months the same pattern Repeated.
And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.
After 3 months same thing again...
And this time his father died.
This Happened repeatedly for 2 years.
At the end, one PL checked his past Records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the Past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"
To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and.."
When he returned his PL asked for explanation.
The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly".
The PL let it go at That. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his Father died.
Then the PL got changed.
After 3 months the same pattern Repeated.
And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.
After 3 months same thing again...
And this time his father died.
This Happened repeatedly for 2 years.
At the end, one PL checked his past Records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the Past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"
To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and.."
Things That Will Happen If IPL Is Nationalised
Here is a humorous list of things that might happen when the IPL is Nationalised.
1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1979 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India
2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi .
3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharashtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken.
4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively .
5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc .
6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.
7. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for women .
8. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets .
9. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized .
10. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission .
11. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cellphone will immediately be withdrawn .
12. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him .
13. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants .
14. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks .
15. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. (A good thing this.)
16. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired .
17. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed " Krishi Darshan . "
18. There will be no matches on weekends or on national / regional holidays .
19. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green .
20. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it .
21. Kokata Knight Riders theme song will be changed to "Maa Mati Manush"
1. The new Commissioner of the IPL, replacing Lalit Modi, will be an IAS officer, 1979 batch, transferred from the Food Corporation of India
2. Mayawati will demand, however, that the new Chairman should be her own candidate, Mr Dalit Modi .
3. The name of Mumbai Indians will immediately be changed to Mumbai Manus. It will, naturally, field only Maharashtrians (preferably Maharashtrian Brahmins). All other players will have their legs broken.
4. The Chennai Super Kings team will be renamed Dravida Cricket Kazhagam. Subsequently one faction will break away and the team will split into DCK (DMK) and AIADCK, owing allegience to Karunanidhi and Jayalalitha respectively .
5. Each political party will have its own team: BJP Bandits, Congress Cobras, CPI Cadres, Samajwadi Strikers, CPM Challengers, Trinamul Tigers etc .
6. Auction of players will be replaced by teams calling for tenders for players. The lowest priced players will be picked.
7. Sonia Gandhi will insist that 30% of each team should be reserved for women .
8. Mayawati will demand that SC/ST players will need to run for only 18 yards instead of 22 yards between the wickets .
9. Third Umpire requests will have to be filled in triplicate and duly notarized .
10. All Third Umpire decisions will be referred to a Joint Parlimentary Commission .
11. IPL tickets will henceforth be available at all post offices and BSNL centers from 10 a.m. to 12.45 p.m. The facility to purchase tickets on your cellphone will immediately be withdrawn .
12. Replacing an injured foreign player can be done only through a Tatkal application submitted 48 hours after a Govt doctor examines him .
13. Cheerleaders will be replaced by retired Air-India flight attendants .
14. These new cheerleaders will perform the folk dances of the states they represent during breaks .
15. IPL matches will be shown only on Doordarshan. (A good thing this.)
16. Between each innings break Doordarshan will telecast the news in Hindi, followed by news for the hearing impaired .
17. Agricultural shots can be played only during the phase of the game termed " Krishi Darshan . "
18. There will be no matches on weekends or on national / regional holidays .
19. The three stumps will be painted saffron, white and green .
20. Pakistan will immediately announce its intention to start its own version of the tournament called PPL and Mr Zardari will make a visit to Washington to meet President Obama and seek an additional grant of $1 billion to fund it .
21. Kokata Knight Riders theme song will be changed to "Maa Mati Manush"
Joke - What Women Want
Here's a humorous look at what a woman wants in her man.
What I Want In A Man, Original List (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 32)
1. Decent looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers the belly
8. Is good at cleaning, dusting ect.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
What I Want In A Man, Original List (at age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 32)
1. Decent looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I Want In A Man, Revised List (at age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers the belly
8. Is good at cleaning, dusting ect.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)