A serious drunk walked into a bar and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
14.5.10
9.5.10
Joke - Economy
An Englishman left on a long trip across the country, taking a train the entire length of the line. At each station along the way, he insisted that he had to get off of the train to buy a new ticket. He chose to not buy a ticket to his final destination, but just one to take him to the next stop on the line.
After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, “Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You’d save 25%.”
The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, “My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don’t plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!”
After watching this go on for several hours, another passenger asked, “Why are you buying all of these individual tickets, man? Why not just save yourself time and money and just get one ticket for the rest of your trip? You’d save 25%.”
The Scotsman scowled at the very idea, and darkly replied, “My doctor told me that I am not long for this world. I don’t plan to waste any of my money on train tickets I may not use while I am here!”
10 Ways to annoy people at a public library
1. Read your book upside down.
2. Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.
3. Ask for the time every 2 minutes.
4. Read out very loudly and very slowly.
5. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
6. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a beeping noise.
7. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
8. Do multiple sneezes, at full volume.
9. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that negative and no mean the same thing?”
10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
2. Read your book from right to left, flipping the pages that way to make it obvious.
3. Ask for the time every 2 minutes.
4. Read out very loudly and very slowly.
5. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.
6. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a beeping noise.
7. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.
8. Do multiple sneezes, at full volume.
9. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that negative and no mean the same thing?”
10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.
Golden Rules of Dieting
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
Ways to diagnose drinking problem!
20 Ways to tell if you have a drinking problem or not!!
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Job interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
6. When you can focus better with one eye closed
7. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
9. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
10. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
11. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
12. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
13. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
14. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
15. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
16. You drink to get over a hangover.
17. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
18. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
19. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.
20. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. Job interfering with your drinking.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Two hands and just one mouth… – now THAT’S a drinking problem!
6. When you can focus better with one eye closed
7. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
9. You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
10. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
11. Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
12. Having a hard time staying on the side walk – left, right, stumble, fall.
13. If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
14. The bottle’s empty…that’s the problem!
15. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
16. You drink to get over a hangover.
17. Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
18. You can’t remember what your family looks like… or if you have a family.
19. You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their collapse.
20. Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
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