Todd Akin, Feminist Biologist Extraordinaire!

Todd Akin, Republican senatorial candidate from Missouri, has said something stunningly brilliant. In fact, it's the most stellar saying I can recall for a long little while, and Einstein himself would certainly strangle Mr. Akin in a fit of jealous rage. Anyway, I'm sure you've heard it by now. Akin was arguing against abortion, but whatever your stance upon that hotly contested issue, his words will make you drunk with amazement:

“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” Akin said on KTVI-TV in St. Louis. 

He is saying that, well, rape never got anybody pregnant. But wait, he specifies "legitimate" rape! So I guess he wasn't talking about the illegitimate kind, right? Yeah, that's it! If you are "legitimately" raped, you will not get pregnant. So, does "legitimate" mean that you deserved it? Or, as seems more likely, does "legitimate" mean authentic? Does it mean that the act in question genuinely was rape, as opposed to, say, consensual sex? All right, I'll take a flying guess that is what Mr. Akin means.

Still, I'm confused. We all know that consensual sex can turn into rape several days later, if the rapee reflects upon it and, in retrospect, feels violated.  After all, our good friends the feminists assure us that when a woman feels she has been raped, then indeed she has been. So all she must do is go to the police and report having been raped, and the report will be duly filed and proceedings initiated. Trouble is, in the time lag between the initial non-rape, and the eventual "legitimate" rape which it retrospectively turns into, a pregnancy might get under way. I mean, a zygote might even find time to become a blastula!

So, it must be that the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down, right? I mean, the minute a woman decides that yes, it was a legitimate rape, her body goes into auto-abort and terminates the pregnancy. Is that how it works? Yup, by golly, I reckon that must be how it works. Mind-zap your way into feeling that you were raped, and you will not get pregnant! It almost sounds like the morning-after pill, doesn't it? But it's way cheaper, so even Sandra Fluke could save some money that way! :)

My heavens! What amazing progress for women we see nowadays! First, feminism balloons the once-constricted possibilities of the rape phenomenon to include all manner of things you would scarcely imagine. Next, the wizard biologist and aspiring U.S. Senator discovers a new form of natural birth control that can be actuated by, yes indeed. . . rape!

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. . . .

Roll 'em up together and, by gumbo, you've got yourself a winner's blend!

More here:

www.csmonitor.com/USA/Politics/2012/0820/Did-Todd-Akin-just-cost-GOP-a-US-Senate-takeover